TeeterTotter

I haven't blogged in awhile, but not really because I haven't had time. I just don't feel like it.

But you can't live life based on feelings. Even if I don't want to exercise, or clean a bathroom, or experience the sometimes awkwardness of new friendships, there are just some things I need to do.

This epiphany comes when things are new. It's a lesson God teaches me over and over, probably because I haven't ever learned it fully. Just when I congratulate myself on doing "well" something else comes along to remind me that, oh, maybe I could use some more work. Thankfully God doesn't give up.

Do you ever struggle between pride and inadequacy? I was thinking that today as I swept Headquarters' porch. I worry about fitting in here. I worry that I won't make the deep, close friendships I had in academy and college. I wonder if the academy kids who work in the kitchen will ever warm up. Will I warm up? Will I stop disliking this job? Do I have what it takes? Then, after a few sweeps, I actually started feeling puffed up as I watched the dirt fly. Obviously sweeping doesn't take too much--commitment, mostly--but I need that affirmation: I do have what it takes! Then God reminded me that my thoughts were way out of line...unbalanced. I didn't need to swing that far in either direction. First, I do have value--look what Jesus did for me! Second, without Him, I am helpless and hopeless...change my heart, oh God!

So that's where I am at, right now, in a nutshell--working in a beautiful place with Mitch, overwhelmed. Anyway, that's why I haven't felt like blogging. Every time I try to write, the blank space overwhelms me. I don't even know where to start.

But (five paragraphs later!) you can't always go by feelings.